Love Lost or Love Found
Daddy Issues. My father left when I was 1 year old to pursue his dreams of being a famous drummer. My mother got married shortly after when I was 2 to a violent man and was divorced within a year. Married again when I was 5, to a man I considered my dad, who had a hand in raising me, who when divorced my mom when I was age 11 disappeared from my life. One confused and hurt preteen I was. My mom then remarried again when I was 12 years old to a man I despised. He was trying to take the place of my last stepdad and I wasn't having it. I resented my mother for everything she put me through and vowed I would never be her. Fast forward a few years and I was doing just that. I then I had the opportunity to meet my biological father when I was 19 years old and after being hesitant about it, agreed to the meeting. After meeting him, I was hopeful that I might possibly develop a relationship with my father, I was wrong. He never pursued a relationship with me after meeting me, talk about rejection. He passed away a few years ago and I held onto the hate, anger and hurt I felt toward him even after and It wasn't until I gave my life to the Lord that I forgave him.
I learned at a young age to not trust men. My first relationship I was a naive little 16 year old in love with a boy who was charming and handsome and had girls flocking over him. I felt insecure and I had to fight to keep his attention. I did this by having sex with him, but even that didn't help. He was cheating on me the entirety of our relationship. That was my welcome to the real world.
When I got the courage to leave him, I went into party mode. I didn't care about love, I just wanted to have fun. I had been in a few relationships after that and all of them ending in disaster. One being with the father of my son. Our relationship was built on partying. We were friends and loved to have a good time. Once our son came into the mix, we now had different priorities and didn't see eye to eye on anything. Around this time I started attending church but wasn't fully committed. However, it did make me see that I wanted more. I finally left the relationship. The next relationship I entered into would be with my fiancé. He had everything I wanted in a man. I was able to check off all the boxes on my list. Things were perfect for the first year, I fell deeply in love but he came with baggage. He had a daughter with a woman who made his life very difficult and it definitely put a strain on our relationship. It also exposed some internal issues he battled. He was very verbally abusive which eventually ended our relationship. I then chose to go back into the party world, worst decision I could have made. I was vulnerable and had a careless attitude. During this time, I met a guy. He was charming, funny and easy going. He made me feel like I didn't have a care in the world. BIG PROBLEM, I did have cares, I'm a Mom! I have a career! As dumb as this may sound I felt like I was under a sick type of spell. I wanted to be with him, I was drawn to him. I felt our connection was so strong. Some time later I would come to find out all the horrible things he had done. At this point I knew I needed to get out of the relationship but I still tried to help him as a friend. However, the demons he battled were too much for me to handle and I needed to get far away from this man. This is where discernment is important, you need to be intuitive to what God is telling you, you can avoid being placed in these circumstance and/or God will tell you when to get out of them.
Among the worldly lessons I learned, I had to also learn more when I began to walk with God. Once you are saved and serving in the church and doing everything "right" you want everyone to be saved. Of course this means the person you care about most, your significant other. You may want the person to be saved and walking with God but you need to know your place. You can love them from a distance and you can pray for them but that's it. They WILL hinder your walk and block your blessings. Do not let that happen to you. You are not their savior, Jesus is. Let him do the saving. You focus on you. If he is the man/woman God has for you, God will work in them. Remember, what's for you will always be for you.
Another thing, just because they attend church doesn't mean they are a man of God. They may walk the walk but you need to be able to discern if they actually talk the talk. Is God first in their life? Do they pray? Do they read their word? Do they attend church regularly? Can they actually hold a spiritual conversation? If you said no to any of these you may want to reevaluate your interest in that person.
You may even find yourself in a situation (in or out of church) where the person may even be in a relationship and try to pursue you, perhaps testing the water to see if they are with the right person, but hey we all fall short of God's glory right? But ladies, do not be that woman! You are worth so much more than that. You deserve a man who only has eyes for you. If you find yourself in a situation like this, put an end to it. God will never bring you someone who is in a relationship with someone else.
The last thing I would like to add, a lesson I learned the hard way, is be careful with love and lust and what it leads to, SEX! Everytime you have sex with someone you intertwine your soul with theirs and you automatically tie yourself to that person, along with anyone else they have been with. SOUL TIES are no joke, It's like a spiritual STD. If you are having sex and it is not with your husband I urge you to pray on it and STOP! I was chained down by so many soul ties and I had no idea. It took for me to be prayed over, delivered and praying constantly for God to change my desires before I was able to let go of my fleshly desires. I am now proud to say that I am now free from those chains and only by God's grace, mercy and strength was that able to happen.
Which leads me to today. I am free. Through trial and error, through brokenness and tears. Through prayer after prayer. God has made me new. He has changed the desires of my heart, He has filled my heart and life like no one else ever could. I made the decision that I will not be tied to any man, I will break the cycle of man after man like my mother, and I wasn't going to blame my father for his inability to not be a father to me. Because all along my Heavenly Father was with me. I was never alone and I was always loved and cared for, more than I could ever imagine. God never wanted me to hurt or be in pain, but I was living life MY way, the only way I knew how. Now I choose to live life God's way.
"Greater is he that is in me then he who is in the world" 1 John 4:4.
I now live with a high expectation and refuse to settle for anything but God's best. I will cast my burdens on him, I will speak his promises over my life and I will WAIT on his timing, on the perfect love he has for me.
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